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Top 3 Things That Made Me Laugh Today

BWAHAHA! That’s all I have to say about my day! (Well, really, about life in general, but we will just focus on then funnies of today for time’s sake). So, the day started out with a trip to Michael’s to get some crafts for the kids, so they are not up my grill. We buy some clay, a scrapbook, cool markers, and baking supplies. We’re good, yes? Well, not exactly. When we get home, we first decide to delve into the “YOU*NIVERSE Crystal Growing Unicorn” craft, in which you “Grow a Crystal Sculpture!”

Seems easy, yes? Um, no! First off, they don’t mention that not only do you need to wait two hours for the crystal liquid to settle in a bowl once you mix it (this is SO not a kids thing–anything requiring patience), but then you have to let the unicorn sit OVERNIGHT in the crystals before painting them. This sucks! Like, who wants to wait till the next day? It should have a warning on it that reads: “This is 24-hour craft! Beware that Children will Be Bored and You Will Be Responsible!” It’s like when you buy them a hamster, and then you’re the one caring for it after day 3 (#truestory). But, at this point in the crystal unicorn, I am legit involved and want to see this through.

So I go to clean up the mess and leave this nasty fish tank of crystals to sit overnight, and I can’t find the paper towels. Oh, wait, guess where they were, these coveted paper towels, of which I am allowed to buy just ONE at the store because of restrictions!? In the living room…#chewtoy

Onto the next craft, my daughter decided to be innovative and philosophical. Thinking about Santa, and how one should be rewarded for being good and punished for being bad, she devised a list of good behaviors that merit rewards (or points) and bad behaviors that force you to pay. Some good behaviors, such as not complaining, brushing teeth, and setting the table (ha! AS IF!), are compensated with points and rewards, such as “stay up an extra 20 minutes.” Bad behaviors, on the other hand, like hitting and punching, result in chores.

I realized, after looking at this extensive list, that the consequences and payments on the bad list are essentially MY LIFE. Yes, that’s true. Cleaning, raking leaves, shoveling snow, matching socks, folding laundry, garbage, recycling, and “making my bed for a whole month” are basically what I do on a daily basis.


Makes me wonder…

I mean, I am GOOD! Very good! In fact, I found $80 in cash on Friday outside this person’s Jeep, who was parked next to me. I could have legit pocketed that and gone holiday shopping. But, no, because I am good person, who believes in Karma (Um….when’s it coming?), I put the cash in an envelope, and I wrote, “Looks like you dropped this” and put it on their car.

But, I’m the one living the punitive chores list! Seems off, no?

SHEESH!!

Happy Holidays! Wish me luck with the crystal painting tomorrow!!

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A Comedy of Errors: First Full Day Back!

First full day of school in seven months and off to a great start! (er…well?) So, I will map out the comedy for you in just the first HOUR!

1. We pull in for drop-off, face shields intact, and my daughter forgets her backpack. Looks like I’ll circle back in a few!

2. Screeching out of the driveway to return to school, I nearly hit my friend, who is delivering a roadie wine glass forgotten from the other night. (PS-the roadie was on foot, not in car–just sayin’). I grab the shopping bag, thank her, and when I arrive BACK at school, I’ve already blanked out what’s in the bag and think, “Hey, how did that get here?” #tired

3. I’m wearing a flannel, Dachshund Christmas pajama shirt! Enough said. Ew.

4. Haven’t gone grocery shopping in a week, so I put together a random hodge-podge for kids’ lunches, comprised of a varietal of cheese and yogurt. It’s a full dairy bomb. So aggro that peanut butter is banned. That was an old go-to.

5. Start to do the accumulated dishes from last night and find this Dis-GUS-ting glass filled with Extreme! Sour Warheads that my son wolfed in one huge gulp and promptly spit out. They are now essentially super-glued to the bottom of my new Crate and Barrel glass.

6. Wonder how my dog got a large black mark on his leg, and I realize it’s my new Infallible Maybelline eyeliner in Charcoal Black that I just purchased. He has eaten it.

Check spot of black on leg on right

Honestly? Still super happy THEY ARE BACK! (well, for now…) xo