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Top 3 Things That Made Me Laugh Today

BWAHAHA! That’s all I have to say about my day! (Well, really, about life in general, but we will just focus on then funnies of today for time’s sake). So, the day started out with a trip to Michael’s to get some crafts for the kids, so they are not up my grill. We buy some clay, a scrapbook, cool markers, and baking supplies. We’re good, yes? Well, not exactly. When we get home, we first decide to delve into the “YOU*NIVERSE Crystal Growing Unicorn” craft, in which you “Grow a Crystal Sculpture!”

Seems easy, yes? Um, no! First off, they don’t mention that not only do you need to wait two hours for the crystal liquid to settle in a bowl once you mix it (this is SO not a kids thing–anything requiring patience), but then you have to let the unicorn sit OVERNIGHT in the crystals before painting them. This sucks! Like, who wants to wait till the next day? It should have a warning on it that reads: “This is 24-hour craft! Beware that Children will Be Bored and You Will Be Responsible!” It’s like when you buy them a hamster, and then you’re the one caring for it after day 3 (#truestory). But, at this point in the crystal unicorn, I am legit involved and want to see this through.

So I go to clean up the mess and leave this nasty fish tank of crystals to sit overnight, and I can’t find the paper towels. Oh, wait, guess where they were, these coveted paper towels, of which I am allowed to buy just ONE at the store because of restrictions!? In the living room…#chewtoy

Onto the next craft, my daughter decided to be innovative and philosophical. Thinking about Santa, and how one should be rewarded for being good and punished for being bad, she devised a list of good behaviors that merit rewards (or points) and bad behaviors that force you to pay. Some good behaviors, such as not complaining, brushing teeth, and setting the table (ha! AS IF!), are compensated with points and rewards, such as “stay up an extra 20 minutes.” Bad behaviors, on the other hand, like hitting and punching, result in chores.

I realized, after looking at this extensive list, that the consequences and payments on the bad list are essentially MY LIFE. Yes, that’s true. Cleaning, raking leaves, shoveling snow, matching socks, folding laundry, garbage, recycling, and “making my bed for a whole month” are basically what I do on a daily basis.


Makes me wonder…

I mean, I am GOOD! Very good! In fact, I found $80 in cash on Friday outside this person’s Jeep, who was parked next to me. I could have legit pocketed that and gone holiday shopping. But, no, because I am good person, who believes in Karma (Um….when’s it coming?), I put the cash in an envelope, and I wrote, “Looks like you dropped this” and put it on their car.

But, I’m the one living the punitive chores list! Seems off, no?

SHEESH!!

Happy Holidays! Wish me luck with the crystal painting tomorrow!!

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Kids, This is What You Can Get Me for X-Mas #giftguide

I’ve been reading all these gift giving guides, and I decided I’d write one of my own for my children to reference. Here you go, Kids:

1. A REFRAIN FROM ASKING “Where is a clean mask?” when we are harried and rushing out the door on the way to school in the morning. I am sweating, frazzled, clomping around in my work heels, and basically hating life when you do that. We have a name for this person I become: the angry chicken, because I am squawking with my beak. Don’t make me the chicken.

2. A DUMPSTER FOR ANY SMALL TOYS, including Hatchimals (these are crazy, tiny animals that you peel out of a gross plastic egg like they are “hatching.”) These toys are not only killer weapons when I step on them in the middle of the night in the dark, but they are also dog chokers. Not to mention, Hatchimals are fun for like one minute, when you see what they look like after they hatch, and then they’re not so fun. Kind of like giving birth and seeing the baby, and then it’s just “meh.” KIDDING!

Hatchimals

3. A WEEK AWAY TO A RETREAT: I just want to be sent someplace where I can journal, sleep, get daily therapy, go on walks, and do nothing. I might enjoy something cult-like, where I sit by a fire with some freaks, and we bond while making S’mores and someone with a man bun (maybe the cult leader) is playing guitar.

4. “MOMMY MAKEOVER” PLASTIC SURGERY: Hey, I won’t be offended if you guys pay for it. Just get me the gift card, and I will go for that Mommy Makeover. I will never spend my mortgage or cable money on it, guys, so dump your piggy banks and get Mommy the help she needs. This is, after all, your fault I look like this.

5. A YEAR OF PACKED LUNCHES (can be frozen): I hate packing lunches, because now that peanut butter is not allowed (#nutallergies), I have no sandwiches to make. PB&J was my go-to sammie, and really the only one you guys eat. Not to mention, a jar of Skippy can last for like 20 lunches: basic economics. Now, I have to rifle around the snack drawers, find cutlery for the yogurts, add in a freezer pack to keep it cold (and you often leave it in your backpack overnight, so I have to dive in the freezer and find a new one), and feel bad that you went to school with six bags of chips for lunch.

6. A NEW REMOTE CONTROL: The one in the basement, the one I use on the elliptical, is covered in sticky ice cream and God knows what. No matter how much I sanitize it, it’s sticky and maybe more foul than the ones in hotel rooms that I put a Ziploc bag over before I touch them. I want a back-up…one you do not touch.

7. GIVE ME MY BED BACK: I love you in my bed (sometimes), but the fact that my bed is now called “our bed” is an issue. And, I found a sour patch candy in the sheets the other night, and your old blankie kinda smells, so I can only face one way in the bed–away from it. I might like to sleep alone, so I can read, stretch out, and feel okay sleeping on my right AND my left side.

Her side of “our” bed

Well, that should be a good start, kids. And it doesn’t require a lot of shopping! So, make like Santa, and get to it. I’ve been “Good” this year…

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Vexed and Confused!

Why? Why does this happen JUST TO ME (it feels like) that I finally order this gadget called a Gizmo from Verizon to be able to text/talk and locate my child, and it DOES NOT WORK! Here’s the sitch: I splurge and buy this $175 Gizmo gadget thing that a lot of the children we know have. My child has been imploring me for two months to ascertain this. I decide to give in. It may be great, I think, and probably a good idea! So I finally pull the trigger, and we wait for its arrival. My daughter runs to the mailbox each day, opening it with closed eyes, wishing for the box to be there. Finally, it arrives! We jump up and down in front of the mailbox, together holding the Amazon box, chanting, “Gizmo, Gizmo, Gizmo!” Then, we get inside, I charge the sucker, turn it on and set up the account, and BAM! It gets stuck on this home screen of a scan code, and I’m out, done, it’s over! Total deflation! The bar code screen is permanently frozen! I can’t get past this screen! So I call tech support at Verizon, and they tell me that they can’t help me out, and that I have to go to Amazon to get a replacement. That it’s just BROKEN. I mean, really? It feels to me so unfair! I asked my friends if this happened to them, and, no, of course it did not! ARRGH!  I feel like this crap always happens to me!

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Frozen 3

Okay, so I’m being a baby. Like, put me in a crib, white noise, mobile, I’m out. I need some formula and a pacifier because COVID is going on, and obviously that is way more important–not to mention all the other ailments and problems in the world. Gizmo? Not so important. But, I needed to vent. So here I am…venting!

Okay, so what else can I vent about, cause I’m kind of on a tear, and I’m not sure why. Oh! My taxes! So I thought I was all 2020 (not that that is a good thing, since this year uber- blows), and I used Turbo Tax for the first time to do my taxes. In the past, I had used H&R Block, but it’s kinda pricey at $220 if you only have one W-2. Am I right? So I do Turbo, and I’m all fired up that I’m filing electronically, and my State taxes get freaking rejected, for some unbeknownst reason, and I have to mail them in. MAIL! I mean, for reals? Like, I am on this site so I can file ELECTRONICALLY! So I pay to e-file, and now I have to staple forms, and find an envelope and some, like stamps?? And actually go to the post office to postmark it?  Who even does that anymore?

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I am annoying! Mail me! Snail Mail only!!

I am, however, getting a refund. So that’s kinda sweet. If I hadn’t quit my job, I might use it to go on vacation, but (A) I did quit my job, so I need it to pay for wine and the mortgage; and (B) there is nowhere to go in this pandemic. My son said he knew what he would spend it on: a Louis Vuitton prism bag and a Burberry oxford shirt. Good to know those cost the same as like two months of my bills. Yeah, so not happenin’, Son!

Anyway…what else can I complain about? HA! Sorry. Okay, I’ll stop. This is it. But, feel free to vent to me in the comments.

xo